Happy Mother’s Day

I get intimate with poop multiple times a day.

I place a mechanical object on my boob and get no pleasure from it.

My response to stains on my shirt is “she was sucking on it.”

My breasts are not my own–they’re not my husband’s either.

I want to cry every time I poo.

I’m always late for everything (wait, was I ever on time?).

I have stretch marks… on my CALVES?!?!?!

I haven’t blow dried my hair in weeks.

I have a vast collection of stuffed animals in my bedroom.

I can be quoted on saying “oh my GAWD, did you seriously just poop again?!?!”… daily.

I get way too excited when someone sticks her tongue out at me.

I carry around a huge bag of nonsensical things and I use it ALL.

I never sleep for more than three hours straight.

Sometimes I want to pull my hair out.

Sometimes I’m so happy that I cry.

I am mom. Hear me roar.

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