Do not expect good writing from this post. Please forgive my vulgarity. Do not critique this post for typos. I did not write this to be a masterpiece—I wrote this as a cry for help.
These are the nights where I contemplate weaning.
Having been sexually molested multiple times in my life, I’ve taken great care to draw a large and distinct line between sex and breastfeeding. I think that’s part of the reason it is so infuriating when people try to connect the two things. I think that’s part of why it’s become such an important cause to me. It’s also why I’m so infuriated to have made the connection myself.
From what I hear, I’m not the only mom who’s mind has drawn a line here, but as far as I know I am the only one who is having this affect her breastfeeding relationship so dramatically. So dramatically that on nights like this I contemplate weaning.
While nursing on one side, Peanut grabs, gropes, molests (words that I never wanted to associate with my toddler, but I must describe in full detail for you to understand how severe this is to me) my other breast. Moms in La Leche League and on the internet have told me to just put my hand over my other breast and brush her away, but I can’t handle even that. I think it’s the fact that she continues to persist against my resistance. She doesn’t even care that I put my hand (well, forearm really) there. She just keeps trying.
She’s fine 90% of the time. It’s just that other 10% that is so vicious for me. It makes me go to a very dark place that I have worked so hard to stay out of and of all times that I wouldn’t want to go to that dark place, regarding my daughter is definitely the top of the list. I feel so angry with myself that I want to cry because I shouldn’t ever have to go to my dark place because of anything surrounding my beautiful, sweet daughter. I shouldn’t have to go to that dark place because of anything regarding our wonderful breastfeeding relationship. I can not handle this anymore. This is so fucked up!
So what do I do to fix this? I know that I should talk about this with my psychologist, but I need something more immediate. Everything in therapy takes so much time and I am at my wits end. I need it to stop entirely too. I’ve noticed that when I’m wearing a shirt over my tank top she doesn’t do it so much. Is there some piece of wonder clothing that would help? Possibly wearing a necklace to bed? I thought about doing that because it’s helped with other nursing manners issues in the daytime past, but I thought maybe it’s a choking hazard?
Do I need to stop co-sleeping? Maybe I’d feel less trapped by it all if I could put her back in her own bed and go back to mine. I’m not sure. Is it worth sacrificing better sleep 90% of the time though? Surely there must be a less drastic answer. I will not stop breastfeeding, so don’t even give that suggestion.
So please interwebs, I know that one of you out there must have the cure for this. I know that someone must have been here before and gotten through it. Please, please help me.