This started as a post about my relationship with Peanut and my fears on how it will change after Twig is born. How nearly every day she tells me “Mama, you’re my best friend.” and how I sincerely feel the same about her. How I’m concerned that I won’t be able to give her the love and attention that she needs once I have a newborn to care for on top of that.
Don’t get me wrong, that is still a huge part of it, but I realized it also in large part how we’ll change as a family once we go from three to four.
I’ve been re-reading The Baby Book to prepare myself for what it’s going to be like to have a newborn again and I’ve gotten to the section on after the baby is actually born. Even with all the preparing I’ve been doing for the early days when I’m constantly nursing and Peanut is bored and our house is a mess, I didn’t really comprehend how different it will really be until last night. How our lives will never be the same as parents of two children as opposed to one child.
How will I find time for intimacy with my husband? Yes, of course there’s sex, but more than just that. I think it took a full year after Peanut was born until we just sat down and cuddled again. At least that’s how I remember it in my mind. Even when we did find time for us as a couple, we were constantly interrupted by a baby then toddler. How will we even begin to find time to just sit down together and watch a movie when we have a toddler and a baby both pining for our attentions?
How will I give Peanut the time and focus she deserves? I already feel like a failure as a parent that she’s getting so much TV right now with me being hugely pregnant and just not wanting to move or leave the house. I found myself incredibly irritated at my in-laws the other day for letting her watch TV at their house until I stepped back and realized I wouldn’t have cared before because she wasn’t getting so much at home. I don’t think she’s gone a single day in the last two weeks without at least two episodes of Dinosaur Train. I know that my attention and energy will just be further drained when Twig arrives, so how do I possibly expect things to change? When I don’t even feel like sitting on the floor and playing with her now, how will I accomplish it when I have a newborn to hold at the same time?
I know that everyone is going to say that things just work. We’ll find a rhythm again and a family of four will be our new norm. I know the early days will be hard, but we’ll eventually get things figured out. I know that my concerns about giving my daughter enough and my husband enough will work themselves out as my heart opens further to welcome our new addition. I know all of this, yet I still sit her and worry and cry and feel awful for bringing this on my family. I was the one who really wanted another baby, so why am I the one crying about it?
Because I’m a huge ball (pun intended) of pregnancy emotions and acne and irritation and mood swings and aches. Because I haven’t had a normal night sleep in weeks and I know I won’t be getting one any time soon. Because I’m allowing myself to get stressed out about Christmas and Twig’s arrival and school and anything else that I can possibly be stressed about. Because I’m pregnant. Blah!