Lately I’ve been having a hard time with wanting things I can’t, at least at this moment, have. I partially blame the weather. Utah gets so gucky this time of year and with the spring peaking through only to be immediately shadowed by a huge snow storm, it’s like Utah is teasing me.
That’s part of wanting what I can’t have–I want out. Out of this state with the dreary weather. Out of snow all together. Out of feeling like I’m the only non-Christian democrat for miles around. Out of the same old people, places, and things I’ve been around my whole life.
Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of things to love about being where I am. I’m just having trouble making myself see them. I know we’re lucky to live near the girls’ grandparents so they’re able to have thriving relationships with them. We live in a state that actually has seasons, which I hear from others is something often coveted. I’m never lonely in a foreign place or missing people who are too far to visit. Almost all of my friends are a short drive away.
But the problem is that no matter how lovely all those things are, I’m still a person who thrives on change. The idea of going somewhere new is exhilarating. The idea of living somewhere that there are more people I can relate to is thrilling. That’s why my current dream is Portland, Oregon. It’s not a dream that will ever necessarily come true, but it’s still my dream.
The other reason I think I’m in this rut is being burnt out. I’ve been in college for the last 6 years. I have never had more than one semester break. I started college before I actually graduated high school.
Yes, much of my college career has been part-time, so that extended how long I have been in school. Yes, I had difficulty making up my mind after my initial career (that I had been planning on since I was a little girl) turned out to be the wrong path. Yes, I’ve been “lucky” (or in other words, planned meticulously in order to) that I’ve been able to do these last three semesters online fully so that I have been able to stay at home with Twig during her baby- and early-toddler-hood.
The problem is, even with all the logic telling me why I’m here and why it’s really not that difficult of a place to be, I’m still hating it. I’m so beyond tired of being in school. Part-time is easier than full-time, but it’s still really hard to do with small children. Online only is great because it means that I don’t have to physically leave Twig when she’s so small (or at least infrequently, as most of my classes at least require that I take exams at a testing center), but it also means that I don’t have a set period of child-free time to do my school work. That translates into me staying up way later than I should to get my work done.
What gets to me the most is that I still have two years left. That’s four semesters, three of which will be full-time. All of which will be on campus. All of which we will be paying entirely out of pocket for if I can’t find scholarships (thank goodness for tax refunds) because I messed around so long with changing my mind that I ran out of pell grants.
Two years until I can even think about moving out of state. Two years until I get to be a real stay at home mom. Two years until I could possibly get pregnant again.
Don’t get me wrong, I love learning. My husband has joked multiple times that I would be a career student if I could. But enough is enough. I need a break. Thankfully, after three semesters straight, I have this summer off. We also won’t have preschool or music, so we can just be. It’ll be lovely.
So this is where I’m at right now. I’m working on enjoying life right now as it is, but having a hard time with it. If you’ve made it through my nonsensical babble, I commend you. Thank you for listening. End rant.